Tuesday, February 9, 2010

This time last year...

I thought I would share with you the journal entry I have read over and over again during this past year...it is has helped me through hard days and encouraged me when I needed it. It is a prayer I wrote to God almost exactly a year ago. Since right now I have had to fight the "poor me's" over not yet having a court date so we can be one step closer to our Micah, I thought I needed a reminder at how far God has brought us in just a year's time and maybe it will encourage others and above else bring glory to my God...

Jan 28, 2009
I want so badly to hear YOUR voice...to hear you say clearly to me that my desire to adopt is from you, not something I have selfishly dreamed up to make myself happy or attempt to fill some void that I may have. I ask Lord that you will make clear to me your desires. I know that Matt is not at the same point as I am on this..he is unsure about it and doesn't understand. I can not ask him to bring another baby into our lives unless he is clearly with me on doing so. So I pray Lord that is it be your desire for us to adopt a child, that Matt will let me know. I know his faith is in You and You are powerful and your mighty Spirit can ignite passions in someone with a fierce blaze. So I pray that will be what happens...that Matt will be drawn to you and when he is where he can hear you and feel you, that you will make it known to him that we are to adopt.
I long for it all to happen soon, very soon, but I know that if I try to run things it will get all messed up, so please guide me Lord, speak to me so I can hear what you want me to do, let me know it is word from You and not myself.
As I felt when I learned I was pregnant with Tyler...feeling the power of having something growing inside me, feeling like I would do anything for this child inside my womb, like I had been given a priceless treasure to carry for a while, is how I feel now. I feel like a child is growing in my heart. He or she may not even be born physically yet, but in my heart there is a baby growing and I will do anything to get to it, to bring it safely into our home. Please guide me Lord, you know my heart and my soul, please search them and make them ready for what You have in store. May this baby in my heart cause me to glorify you and lead others to You. For now I will continue to trust in you and that You will let me know what is next and when the time is right, may I speak to Matt about these things at Your ordained moments. God you know my desires, may they be in accord with Your desires! For all this is in the name of Jesus Christ,

Isn't that special!!??
Things that stick out to me...
~First -I kept asking God to make sure it was HIS desire and not MINE! Well, if I had know that adoption was such a refelction of God's adoption of us, I would have known that no desire that wonderful could have ever been born from my sinful self...I knew all along it was God's desire, I was just scared to admit that for fear of really HAVING TO OBEY!!
~Second - around that same time frame, I began small and frequent, not high emotional conversations with my husband about these desires and I didn't know it at the time but he began to pray for God to change his heart and give him a desire for adoption! How amazing and what a lesson...how often do I ask God to CHANGE MY HEART?! I so often find myself asking God to change HIS plans and make them into what I want, but my precious husband knew where to start and began asking God to change him into what He wanted him to be instead of praying "God please get Angie off my back about this stuff! She is crazy!" :)
~Third - When I began praying about our future son...I know now that he in fact wasn't born yet, actually his birth mom was about in the stage of her pregnancy when she should have been feeling him kicking and growing alot more (5-6 months along) it is no surprise that this is the time I really began to feel him growing and "kicking" in my heart! He was born in April of 2009 and in May of 2009 we began the process not knowing it would be January of 2010 before we knew he was!

This has been a sweet reminder as to how much God has held us in His hands during this whole process. I hope it is also an encouragement to any other moms or dads who feel that tug to adopt or do something that seems crazy and are waiting on the heart's of their spouses to feel the way they do...you can trust that God will move in them at the perfect time.
I am convicted for having the "poor me" attitude! I serve an AMAZING GOD who works out everything for His will and our good, what is there to be doubtful about!?
I can't wait for a year from now...Only God knows what kind of crazy post I will have to blog about! :)

1 comment:

  1. this is why i LOVE journaling... it's so awesome to look back in just a year and see all God's done!